Lockdown diaries: I can definitely keep a habit

It’s been almost 365 days since the pandemic hit our shores and everyone’s lives got turned upside down, being forced to stay in the confines of their living spaces. For something that we thought was gonna last ~2 weeks~ *tops*, there have been varying degrees of adjustment from person to person: some people have learned to live with this “new normal” and adapted their everyday life to adjust to it, and some people are just going crazy day-by-day, inhaling the most fresh air they can through an open window and occassional errand runs, and doing tons of online shopping to compensate for FOMO that is normal life. (I will neither confirm or deny that I’m the latter.)

Nevertheless, I’ve learned a lot about myself during the course of the lockdown. And in an attempt to revive this blog ~yet again~, and get back into the habit of writing not just for work, I wanted to jot all the things I’ve learned down in my virtual diary. It’s another outlet to distract myself from insanity from being at home almost 24/7, and it’ll be a good read (and hopefully will give me a good “whew, glad that’s over” sense of relief) in the future.

I learned that I can go back to the habits of my younger self.

Growing up, I was a huge bookworm. Huge. I would hoard titles and titles from the bookstores and just read all the time: during recess and lunch breaks at school, while waiting for the bus to go home, while eating meals, even at night (which resulted to my very poor eyesight. I still blame it on heredity.) I remember when the old Harry Potter titles used to be released, I would call in to the book store to reserve my copy and begged my parents to drive me first thing when they open so I would be the first one to cop my hardbound. I know fellow bookworms can attest to this, but something about the fresh smell of those pages when you first open them just gives you life, you know what I mean?

Lockdown Diaries: Groundhog Day 75

It’s always been a habit of mine to go back to this space every time I feel a surge of inspiration or a remarkable moment come through. I’ve already accepted the fact that writing is not going to be a top priority, let alone write consistently about the mundane ups and downs of life.

But now in 2020 and two months in of quarantine, I think there’s more things to realize and bring to life, now that almost everybody has enough time to think.

To start off, I don’t want to sound like some positive fairy dust Instagram account, but I think my recent choices in life were made and placed at the right time.

Last January, I quit my job after 5 years.

I guess to sum it up, I really was not at my best place a few months prior to me resigning. I had already made up my mind to start looking at my other options, applying online, crossing my fingers that ~this~ job was THE one for me; this job would DEFINITELY be better. Location, salary, perks! Anything is better than ~this~ at this point, if we’re being completely honest. But let me tell you, the anxiety of looking for a job after 5 years — the whole ritual of back and forths, not very reassuring for someone with a huge fear of rejection and failure. What really propelled me to push through with all the notions was to get out of my funk — I started to hate working there and felt like I wasn’t good enough. I was so sick and tired of the downward spiral and I need to get the F OUT. If it took a bit of discomfort for me to finally get to a good place, then so be it.

I started my new job in March, a few short days pre-everything starting to get crazy. The lockdown started on March 15th, and fast forward to two months later, nothing has really changed.

Now, 75 (I honestly don’t know anymore) days after the quarantine was announced and the world went a little bit cuckoo, that past struggle has suddenly paled in comparison. The days seem both shorter and longer, whatever day it was started to become irrelevant. Sunday night, gotta set up my alarm for tomorrow’s workday then. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, bah it’s basically the same day to me. Saturday, just another excuse to not wake up at 8 AM. I’m starting to feel like I’m Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I wanted a more exciting and fulfilling life — nothing is more exciting than getting cooped up at home for two months and counting.

I’m not complaining and at the same time, I don’t know how to feel. To sum it up, the world is in pretty deep shit right now, and I don’t think anybody is in any room to complain about anything at the moment. Apart from my occasional bouts of anxiety, I actually found this time to be thankful. At least with my new work (from home lol), I get to interact with pleasant and intellectual people who put you up rather than weigh you down. I don’t have to worry about the assurance of my paycheck every month. I don’t have to worry about some wench calling asking to send a file they already have in their e-mail, or converting a Powerpoint to a PDF. I don’t have to keep up with charades anymore. I can start being me again.

And in this current world of crazy, I count on that to be my saving grace. Even if just to get through another day as Punxsutawney Phil.

In six months

Adulthood often brings about random bursts of exasperation.

In the past few months that I have (once again) lost the will to continually document all my life travails and turmoils in writing, but in reality, so many things have actually happened. 

I turned a year older, I don’t know if so much wiser. 

I traveled and experienced a country I know and love, with my only friend who is on the same page with me on it. 

I said goodbye to good friends moving on to their next chapters in life. 

I lost a loved one, something that one can’t even fathom how to process. Especially I, knowing that our relationship wasn’t exactly the clearest but in the end felt all the stages of grief. 

I randomly had little wins, like free concert tickets to see Monsta X (oh LORD were they hot!) and packages from random Instagram giveaways. (All that time I spend on Instagram actually amounted to something) 

I reconnected with good friends who I haven’t seen in quite a while, but everything just clicked into place the moment we exchanged our first few words in person. 

I’ve really been thinking about work, my career and where I really want to take and challenge myself next. 

All these things happened simultaneously, all at once, on top of each other — honestly, I have no recollection prior to me recounting everything that has happened since I last brushed with this blog. Has it really only been six months? Time really is fleeting.

What I love about Santa Cruz, California

Hmmm, what could this scent obviously be???

It’s funny how I’ve never written anything about Santa Cruz, seeing as I’ve spent a good chunk of my formative adult life there. Fresh out of college, I flew out from my home in the tropics to a (not so) little beach town on the coast of California.

It was such an unlikely place for me to end up in, seeing as I’m such a city girl and this place couldn’t be farther from it. The beach was a 10-minute drive from my house, a hike in the woods was literally an option as soon as I stepped out the front door. It was so engrossed in nature that I eventually grew to appreciate what other people spent their weekends driving to and fro The Bay from.

Here were some of the things I remembered that I loved about living here, coming from my birthday trip a few months back:

VERVE COFFEE.

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Let me start it off with a (maybe not so funny to you but funny to me) story: I used to hate coffee. I mainly hated that coffee taste, when the bitter hits your tongue after the first sip. Back in college when all of my friends preferred to sip lattes and long blacks, I was more of a tea girl. Milk tea, brewed tea, whatever tea, that was more my thing. Coffee was just disgusting to me, period.

On my first few weeks of living here, I wandered around the usual haunts, trying to get to know my new home better. I eventually found myself in this quite industrial-looking coffee shop at the end of the street downtown. It was wood panelled, with plants scurried around without looking too pretentious, and the place just had such a laid-back vibe (very fitting of this ~too~ chill location.) Granted during this time, hipster coffee shops in the Philippines were but a blooming concept. My inner Instagram hoe came out, as I really wanted to take pictures inside that cute cafe, so I ordered a mocha and a cookie then took a seat. And needless to see, that cup of coffee changed my life, because now I am some kind of coffee fiend that can’t function without having a cup.

I don’t know if that’s just a side-effect of being an adult but granted, I want to thank Verve for opening up my eyes to the wonders of coffee. Whenever I visit, I always have to have my usual. (Maybe I’ll try to fit in 3-ish cups a day, which is not good for my health, but is good for my soul.)

The beach is literally right there, along with a 100-year-old-ish roller coaster

4/11/19, 14:40:00

I shared with a few close friends recently that I’ve been having some sort of quarter-life existential crisis, the details of which of course I won’t just go blabbing about on the internet.

But the beauty of life is usually in the unexpected, and after days of worrying — my palms getting sweaty and my heart constantly beating fast, making me think I’m having some sort of cardiovascular unrest — something little comes up and makes you feel like those worries were just stupid.

This is just a reminder to myself to calm the F down; things work when you make them [work].